“Pregnancy is a time of deep and wonderful transformation for a woman. A time when she may be faced with many life-changing decisions, questions and searching. A time that may evoke challenges, joys and fears. Each pregnancy is surrounded by its own unique story and each holds within it the very same common thread – of stepping into the unknown.”
Declan. Unexpected. Little Miracle. Bringer of Goodness.
I discovered I was pregnant with you in February 2014. I thought I had an ulcer. Nausea, weight loss, fatigue, loss of interest in food…I knew this feeling but told myself it was something else. Between finishing school, single parenting and running a business – I thought stress had gotten the best of me. I had recently opened an office and was working so much and caring for others so much that I assumed my health had suffered. When my boobs started growing I thought it was an Ayurvedic cream I was using. By the time 6 weeks rolled around, I knew I needed to take the test. Carrinna was in the shower while I did it. She was the first to find out. I can’t say she was excited at first, but now she loves you more than all of the stars in the sky.
Pregnancy was blissful in the second trimester. I was feeling like the embodiment of the divine feminine. I was glowing. People kept asking me if this was my first baby. This pregnancy was the healthiest for sure. Yoga and a vegetarian diet had primed my body for you. I felt great and loved those moments with you – feeling you move, hearing your heartbeat, planning your arrival with my doula and your Dad. You were so loved and so welcome. The world was waiting for your sweetness.
The third trimester was more complicated than I could have ever imagined. Around my eight month I suffered some pretty intense emotional trauma. It sort of sent me spinning. Thank God for family and friends, Ashrams and practice. I was so supported and so vulnerable. What a strange, heart opening time for me. My body responded with injury, as is wont to happen, and I spent the last two months healing and falling ever more deeply in love with you.
The day you were born:
September 22, 2015 10:22 am
What a long night. I had been laboring for days it seemed – 51 hours in total. Prodromal labor – contractions, erratic and ineffective, but strong. Your Dad was so excited, like a hyper puppy (it was really cute). My friends and the girls were all anxiously awaiting word of your arrival. I couldn’t wait to hold you in my arms and to look into your eyes. One night, as your Dad and I finished watching Lord of The Rings, I stood up to go to bed and my water broke. Just like that. There was a flash of pure joy and relief. I had wanted to labor at home but as I walked down the hallway and fell to my knees with the pain of the contraction, we decided to head to the hospital. We decorated the room with christmas lights and a tapestry from Amma to set a relaxed mood. Played Yoga and Meditation music and kept it quiet and dark. My doula and your father held my hips every contraction for twelve hours it seemed. I didn’t want pain meds and I am so glad I stuck to that! The doctor came in and bullied me about using Pitocin. I was surprised by that and proud I was firm in my refusal despite her pressure. As labor progressed, I found chanting AUM to be immensely helpful. The vocal folds are attached to the pelvic floor and never has this been more evident for me. The Mantra Sa Ta Na Ma and Yogic breathing exercises helped as well. By the time you were ready to come it was twelve hard hours later. Your were born with Shoulder Dystocia, which means your shoulder was literally stuck on the pubic symphysis and only your head was delivered. It was the scariest moment of my life. To see your little purple face and fail at pushing the rest out. For a moment. Then by the grace of God and the encouragement of my amazing team you arrived. Healthy as can be with a great APGAR score and a robust 8.3 lbs and 20.75 inches long. You looked into my eyes and my heart melted. The most wonderful moment of my life. I love you more than words.